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		<title>Ripping myself apart &lt;https://y.st./en/weblog/2017/08-August/05.xhtml&gt;</title>
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		<header>
			<h1>Ripping myself apart</h1>
			<p>Day 00882: Saturday, 2017 August 05</p>
		</header>
<section id="general">
	<h2>General news</h2>
	<p>
		Soon after waking, I reminded myself that I&apos;m gay.
		Maybe if I drill it into my head, I&apos;ll give up and stop fighting it on any level.
		It&apos;s not like fighting it&apos;s going to do any good.
		I can&apos;t make myself not be gay any more than I can make myself like watching sports games or make myself stop having a taste for potato products.
		It&apos;s just not who I am.
		Potatoes are awesome, sports are boring, and I&apos;d rather die alone than be with a woman.
	</p>
	<p>
		I don&apos;t know what happened, but <a href="/en/domains/morgan.local.xhtml"><code>morgan</code></a> locked up on me this morning.
		Hoping it would unfreeze, I left it alone for a bit.
		The screen went dark, and I assumed the screen saver was starting up.
		I moved the mouse to wake it back up, but it awoke into <abbr title="Grand Unified Bootloader">GRUB</abbr>.
		What?
		It seems that it rebooted on me for some reason.
		Once I was logged back in, I found almost my entire bash history had been erased.
		I&apos;m not sure what&apos;s going on, but I hope this was an isolated incident.
		I hope <code>morgan</code> isn&apos;t starting to have serious issues on me.
	</p>
	<p>
		I took a last-minute bike ride to the credit union today to pick up a rent cheque.
		It was due today, but I totally forgot until last night.
		So far, I&apos;ve never missed my rental due date, but I was kind of cutting it close, this time.
		I&apos;m lucky it wasn&apos;t Saturday; I might not&apos;ve had a way to get the cheque I needed on time.
		While I was at the on-site manager&apos;s place, I also asked about putting nails in the wall.
		Is that allowed?
		It seems it is.
		I&apos;d never planned to put nails in the wall before, but now ...
		My mother gave be a gay pride rainbow flag a few days ago.
		I have all these randomly-placed nails in the wall from before I moved in, but there aren&apos;t two that are close enough together to hang the flag well.
		I&apos;ve hung it by one corner on one of the existing nails, but it&apos;d be nice to put a second nail nearby and hang it correctly.
	</p>
	<p>
		It seems my website certificate was never updated after all.
		I don&apos;t know what&apos;s going on, but the StartCom Ltd. certificate ended up back in the list of built-in certificates, so my Firefox instance stopped rejecting it.
		I&apos;m not sure how to proceed.
		Will my website load in Firefox on other systems now, or has Debian been the only one to take this certificate back into the fold?
	</p>
	<p>
		My <a href="/a/canary.txt">canary</a> still sings the tune of freedom and transparency.
	</p>
</section>
<section id="mental">
	<h2>Mental health watch</h2>
	<p>
		Perhaps I&apos;ve been thinking about this gayness issue in the wrong light.
		I&apos;ve been waning to be bisexual.
		However, if I&apos;m bisexual, I&apos;m effectively either gay or straight depending on which person I fall in love with.
		I don&apos;t want multiple partners, so I can&apos;t have both worlds.
		So, the real question is which of the two I&apos;d rather be.
		Do I want to be gay or do I want to be straight?
		Not that I have any say in the matter, but I&apos;d rather be gay on most levels.
		The only reason I&apos;d prefer to be straight is because of the increased ease of finding a partner.
		On all other levels, I think I <strong>*want*</strong> to be gay.
		I&apos;d list off reasons I&apos;d prefer a same-sex partner, but it&apos;d be pointless.
		I&apos;d rather be bi, so my reasons not to want to be gay have nothing to do with conforming or thinking anything&apos;s wrong with same-sex pairs.
		Without conformation or hating reasons, all that leaves is who I&apos;d want to end up with.
		I&apos;m gay, so of course I&apos;d prefer a same-sex partner, which means of course I&apos;d rather be gay than straight.
		I&apos;ve also always thought same-sex couples (both male and female) are cuter.
		They just ... look more like they belong together.
		Maybe that&apos;s just because I&apos;m gay though.
	</p>
	<p>
		I guess, if I&apos;d rather be gay than straight, what that means is that I don&apos;t want to end up with a woman at the cost of not ending up with a man.
		So does that mean I can want to be gay more than I want to be bi?
		I can&apos;t talk myself out of being gay.
		I tried that, and it didn&apos;t work.
		I&apos;m an animal; I have instincts that I can&apos;t override.
		I could deliberately <strong>*act against*</strong> those instincts if I chose to, but I couldn&apos;t be happy that way and I couldn&apos;t actually purge myself of those instincts.
		However, maybe I can talk myself into wanting to be what I have to be; I&apos;m going to be this, whether I like it or not, so I might as well enjoy it if I can.
	</p>
	<p>
		I noticed something too.
		When I try to reject what I am, my personality starts splitting.
		Self-rejection seems to be very hard on my mind.
		The most recent case was the Lexi/Xander split, but come to think of it, that wasn&apos;t the first.
		Before that, I had the <span class="redacted">[REDACTED]</span>/Alex split.
		At the time, I mistakenly thought the newly-recovered shards of my psyche weren&apos;t quite in sync with the part of my mind I was already familiar with.
		Looking back though, I don&apos;t think that&apos;s what was going on.
		My mind was certainly broken and I was certainly recovering pieces of it.
		However, I don&apos;t think any of these newly-found parts could form a personality on their own.
		Living in an unstable and toxic home environment took a major toll on me, it&apos;s true.
		However, during that period, I never rejected pieces of myself.
		I sometimes wished that I, entirely, was gone or dead, but it was all-or-nothing.
		I accepted what I was, I just didn&apos;t think that what I was was acceptable.
		Now though ... I&apos;ve been trying to accept and reject pieces of myself selectively.
		I&apos;m pulling my myself in different directions and I&apos;m ripping myself apart.
		If I want these personality splits to stop (and I do, they&apos;re very painful emotionally), I can&apos;t selectively accept and reject different facets of my being.
		I must accept myself or reject myself in whole.
		And while it&apos;s true I have some factory defects, so does everyone else.
		I&apos;m not a terrible person, as far as people go, anyway.
		I&apos;m not worth rejecting.
		I have to accept myself and I have to accept what I am.
	</p>
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